I've had this conversation more times than I can count.
A friend texts me. Or pulls me aside at brunch. Or starts a voice memo with "Okay, so, I don't know if I'm being crazy, but…"
And then she tells me she's been doing the work of two people. Or she just found out the guy who started after her makes more. Or she's interviewing for a new role and the recruiter just asked her salary expectations and she said the first number that came to mind and now she can't stop spiraling.
Every single one of these women is qualified. Most are overqualified. All of them are nervous to ask for what they're worth.
And every time, I have some version of the same conversation with them.
Your value is not up for debate. You just have to be willing to name it out loud.
But that's easier said than done. Especially when you're young. Especially when you're a woman. Especially when you've spent your entire career being told to be strong but not demanding, confident but not arrogant, vocal but not opinionated.
So let's talk about it.
If you've ever felt like asking for a raise as a young woman comes with about 47 invisible rules, you're not imagining it.
We're told to be assertive. But not aggressive. We're told to know our worth. But not be cocky about it. We're told to advocate for ourselves. But not be too much. We're told to lean in. But also, you know, be humble.
Meanwhile, our male coworkers are out here treating "I deserve more money" as a complete sentence. They ask. They negotiate. They counter. And they get.
The data backs this up.
Study after study has shown that women, especially young women, are significantly less likely to ask for raises than their male counterparts. And when we do ask, we're more likely to soften it, apologize for it, or pre-justify it so heavily that we've already negotiated against ourselves before the conversation starts.
Men are taught to ask for what they want. We're taught to be grateful for what we get.
That programming runs deep. And it's expensive. Like, life-changing levels of expensive over the course of a career.
A few things I want to put on the record before we get to the practical stuff:
1. Being prepared isn't being demanding. Walking into a conversation with data, examples, and a clear number isn't aggressive. It's professional. Frame it that way in your own head.
2. Asking is not ungrateful. You can love your job, respect your boss, and still want to be paid what you're worth. These things are not in conflict.
3. Being young doesn't disqualify you. Your age is not a discount code. If you're doing the work, you deserve to be compensated for the work. Full stop.
4. Being a woman doesn't disqualify you either. That should go without saying, and yet...
Anyway, onto the strategy.
Most of the nerves about asking for a raise come from going in unprepared. The fix is to over-prepare to the point where you can't get rattled.
Pull together a list of your wins from the last 6-12 months. Be specific. Don't just write "led major project." Write "led project that increased X by 22% and brought in two new clients." Quantify wherever possible. If you can't quantify, get concrete.
If your role has evolved since you were hired or last got a raise, document that too. New responsibilities. New skills. New scope. Promotions in everything but title.
This isn't bragging. This is data.
Sites like Glassdoor, LinkedIn Salary and Payscale will give you a range. So will reaching out to friends and former coworkers in similar roles. (Yes, you can ask. The taboo around salary talk benefits employers, not employees.)
Walk in knowing the floor, the median, and the ceiling for your role.
Don't go in with "I was thinking… maybe… something like…" Go in with confidence.
The general rule: ask for slightly more than what you actually want, so there's room to negotiate down to your real target. If you want a 10% raise, ask for 15%. If you want $90K, ask for $95K.
Naming a specific number tells the room that you've done the work and you're serious. Hedging tells the room you're hoping they'll do the work for you.
I know this sounds silly. Do it anyway.
The first time you say the number, it should not be in the actual conversation. Say it in the mirror. Say it to a friend. Say it on a walk. Get past the part where you flinch when the words come out of your mouth.
The conversation itself is shorter and simpler than your nerves are telling you it'll be.
Don't start with "I'm sorry to bring this up" or "I know this is awkward." Start with something like:
"I'd like to talk about my compensation. I've been thinking about my contributions over the last year and I want to discuss adjusting my salary to reflect that."
That's it. Direct, professional, no apology.
Hit your wins. Hit your expanded scope. Hit the market data. Keep it tight. You're not making a closing argument in a courtroom; you're presenting a clear, confident summary.
Then, here's the hard part: stop talking.
Do not fill the silence. Do not soften it. Do not add "but I totally understand if that's not possible." Just say the number and let it land.
If they counter with a lower number, don't immediately agree. Ask questions. "What would it take to get to the number I proposed?" or "What does the timeline look like to revisit this?" or "Can we look at non-salary compensation to bridge the gap?"
If they say no entirely, ask what would need to be true for the answer to be yes. Then put that on the calendar.
If you didn't get the answer you wanted, the conversation isn't over.
Send a follow-up email within 24 hours summarizing what was discussed and any next steps. This puts everything in writing, creates a paper trail, and signals that you're not letting it drop.
If you got a "not now," put a calendar reminder for the timeline they gave you and revisit it then. Don't wait for them to bring it up. They probably won't.
If you got a flat no with no path forward, you have information. You now know what your current employer thinks you're worth. Decide what you want to do with that information.
Sometimes the most valuable outcome of asking for a raise is finding out it's time to leave.
That's not a failure. That's data.
Here's what I want you to take from all of this:
You are allowed to know your value. You are allowed to name your value. You are allowed to expect to be paid for your value.
The discomfort you feel asking isn't proof that you shouldn't. It's proof of how deeply you've been trained to wait politely to be offered what you should have been demanding all along.
So have the conversation. Send the email. Name the number. Sit through the silence.
And then text your friend and tell them they should do it too.
Because the more of us who ask, the less weird it gets for all of us.
Put that on the record.
Until next time, Nina
📚 Currently reading: Iron Flame
🎧 Currently listening to: And That's Why We Drink
🍷 Currently sipping: Crisp, cold, water